Asking Good Questions to Build Intimacy
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, especially with my single women friends who are on the dating apps, “all they did was talk about themselves. They didn’t ask me a single question about myself.” If that’s you out there making all the dates feel like a narcissistic sales presentation then it’s time to understand what real intimacy means. Intimacy or I like to say it like this, into me see, means exactly that. Intimacy is the experience of being deeply known, emotionally met, and safely connected with another person. It grows when your people can reveal what is happening beneath their roles, routines, defenses, and habitual conversations - the small talk that can by default occupy a space until you invite some depth into it.
Many couples confuse intimacy with proximity. They may share a home, a bed, responsibilities, and years of history while rarely entering each other’s inner world. Intimacy requires more than spending time together. It requires intentional attention, curiosity, honesty, and the willingness to be affected by what the other person shares. If you can’t ask questions that promote learning about someone, expressing care for their experience, and connecting empathetically to their lived experience then your relationship is doomed. Intimacy isn’t an option with love. It’s essential and it’s a skill you can improve. One way is to imagine you’re going to interview this person for your imaginary podcast about living an epic life. Write down questions you would ask them about their life and legacy.
A good question communicates: “You are not completely known to me, and I still want to discover you anew.” Keeping this as an ongoing thing matters because people are always changing but we often don’t update our beliefs or assumptions about a person after we’ve established them. Your partner’s fears, hopes, needs, interpretations, and dreams are not fixed, they are flexible. When we assume we already know what they think, we stop relating to the living person in front of us and begin relating to our mental image of them.
Good questions improve intimacy in several ways.
1) They interrupt assumptions. Like when in conflict, we often believe we know why the other person acted as they did.
2) Good questions melt certainty into curiosity. That shift alone can reduce defensiveness and reactivity.
3) Here’s a big love bonus we don’t usually think about when considering our acts of kindness through asking good questions. They help people discover themselves.
And, bonus, you get to be the special person who catalyzes that personal exploration process with them. Because, we don’t always understand our own emotions immediately, do we? Sometimes we need to work it out to work it though.
A thoughtful question can help someone move from a habit into deeper awareness. They communicate emotional importance. They show you’re invested in their emotional reality. They help you generate genuine care about the interiority of another. When you ask a sincere follow-up question, you are saying that your partner’s experience deserves time and attention. This can be especially healing for someone who grew up feeling ignored, dismissed, interrupted, or misunderstood. And a partner often feels loved not because we solved the problem, but because we stayed interested long enough for them to feel fully heard.
Good questions make vulnerability safer, by inviting it, gently through your tender care in how you respond to their truth.
Download my free “The Art of Asking - Questions That Deepen Intimacy” guide for some practice question ideas.
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